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[personal profile] marsabi1
Title: Wake Me Up (Team Angst)
Author: Marsabi
Pairing: Zach/Shaun
Summary: Zach and Shaun are living together with Cody, when a misunderstanding threatens their happiness. Thanks to Rhiannonhero for looking it over for me
Rating : NC-17
Warning: Sexual Content and Angst

This fic was written for Team Angst for Shelter Diner. Please rate the fic here:
http://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=1773049
Thank you!

Wake me up



It was a dream life. Sometimes Zach pinched his skin to make sure that he was really awake. Zach loved art school and most of his classes, he had Cody with him and his nephew was safe and happy, and, most of all, Shaun was his boyfriend. They’d been together now for 6 months and Zach still felt a rush of tenderness every time Shaun walked in the door. They’d made a home for Cody together and life was perfect. So perfect that Zach was nervous sometimes. In his experience, life was something you struggled through and you didn’t expect much from. Everything was so great that Zach alternated between being terrified to go to sleep, for fear the next day would bring the end of it all, and eagerly falling into sex-sated dreams, excited to see what tomorrow held. Too often, though, his silent fears overwhelmed him in the night.

He’d been around long enough to know how life worked, and he knew that this dream life could all be taken from him at any moment. It started as a worry deep inside of his guts, and escalated to a terrible fear that threatened to rise up inside of him like a giant tsunami consuming everything with his anxiety. On nights when it rolled over him, he’d roll over and grab onto Shaun’s warm body, desperate to reassure himself that this was all real.

Last night, he’d dreamed that he was lost and unable to find Cody or Shaun, and he’d woken up in a pool of sweat. Shaun had been blissfully sleeping beside him, snoring lightly, and Zach had forced himself to relax until he finally fell back to sleep. Now as Zach woke up and stretched his arms above his head; he could hear Shaun singing off-key in the shower, and Zach smiled a little.

Shaun was so amazing, so good. It probably wasn’t healthy, but Zach had trouble believing that Shaun could want somebody like him - someone who was so inexperienced with guys and who came with a lot of baggage too. Since his mom’s death, dysfunctional was a kind word to describe Zach’s family problems, seriously fucked up would be more accurate. But Shaun said he loved Zach. And he didn’t just say it; he did something about it. He welcomed Zach and Cody into his home and his heart, and Zach wanted to stay there forever.

Zach rubbed his eyes, and glanced at the clock, wondering why Cody had slept so late. And then he remembered - Cody was at Gabe’s for a sleepover, and he and Shaun had the whole day to spend together - that hardly ever happened. They could do anything they wanted. Flopping back onto the pillow, he thought it over, and his hand slid down to his morning hard-on, cupping it. He wanted to spend all day loving Shaun. Zach sighed and turned his face into Shaun’s pillow, breathing in Shaun’s scent.

“Hey Sleeping Beauty,” Shaun called out, coming into the room, a towel wrapped at his waist. “Are you ever getting up?”

“Ten more minutes,” Zach said, smiling. He would stay here all day if he could.

“No, now. I want to savor every hour today. Our day alone. Besides, I have something for you.” Shaun walked to their closet and tossed a present on the bed.

“What is it?” Zach raised his eyebrows. “Another sex toy?”

“You wish,” Shaun laughed.

Last week, Shaun had brought him a cock ring. Zach had made a silly joke about wanting to try one -there were so many things he still hadn’t done - and Shaun had brought it home. Shaun had placed the cock ring around Zach’s shaft, accidentally tugging at a few hairs in his excitement.

“Ow,” Zach had protested. At that second, Zach hadn’t been so sure he actually liked cock rings.

“Sorry.” Shaun had slowed down, and then he’d given a low whistle. “You were always big, but with this thing on-“ He’d given Zach a look that made him blush.

“Shut up,” Zach had said.

Shaun ignored that, and he’d bent down and kissed Zach’s crown, then he’d sucked at it a moment, getting Zach even harder, lengthening him.

After that, Zach had decided he liked cock rings just fine.

Zach couldn’t resist teasing Shaun a little about it now. He picked up the present, weighing the size in his hands. “I haven’t mentioned nipple clamps but-“

Shaun laughed. “Maybe next time. Sorry. This present is a little boring compared to my last.”

“What is it?” Zach asked.

“Open it and see.”

Zach carefully pulled at the first piece of tape, unfolding a small part.

“Zach!“ Shaun shook his head “It’s wrapping paper, not silk. Open it!”

Laughing, Zach tore the paper from the gift. He playfully threw it at Shaun, who caught it in his hand. Zach looked down at the gift and inhaled sharply at the box of brushes. He had been telling Shaun for weeks that he really should get a quality set of brushes, but Zach hadn’t wanted to spend the money. Every time he went to the art supply store, he’d ended up buying something for Cody instead.

“Do you like it?” Shaun asked.

“C’mere,” Zach said, gently setting the brushes aside near the bed, and pulling Shaun against him. It was a dream life and he owed it all to Shaun.

They were mouth to mouth, greedily kissing. Zach felt like he could drown in Shaun’s taste. Shaun had his hand at the nape of Zach’s neck, holding it possessively, while his teeth nipped teasingly at Zach’s lower lip. Zach opened his mouth wider, and made noises of pleasure. The kiss deepened as Shaun sucked harder at his tongue.

Zach broke away, panting a little. He hungrily found Shaun’s nipple, and suckled it hard, making Shaun writhe. Zach let his hand move down Shaun’s body, yanking off Shaun’s towel and holding the weight of Shaun’s cock in one hand. Zach milked Shaun’s dick with his fingers, and Shaun gasped. Zach grinned at him and slid his hand down to lightly play with Shaun’s balls.

They took their time, giving small touches here and there. Shaun licked at his navel, and then put his hands on Zach’s thighs. Shaun pushed at Zach until he was flat on the bed. He shimmied down Zach's torso, placing kisses all over him, making Zach shut his eyes and curl his hands into fists.

Shaun’s mouth found him, hard and ready. Shaun sucked Zach firmly, sliding his tongue along the ridges of Zach’s arousal, licking the pre-cum. Zach bucked his hips up pleadingly, and Shaun sucked at his glistening tip. At the same time, he cupped Zach’s ass and squeezed. Zach eagerly pumped his cock in and out, nearly hitting the back of Shaun’s throat. Shaun grunted. Zach cried out and rolled his hips forward, and Shaun’s lips clamped down on him, trapping Zach’s cock in the wet cavern of his mouth. Shaun gave Zach another tremendous suck, causing Zach feel as though he’d burst into a million pieces, hot jets of his cum filling Shaun’s mouth.

Shaun released him and climbed back up his body. He smiled at Zach and licked his lips. Zach eagerly took Shaun’s face between his hands and kissed him, tasting himself. They rolled together and Zach was now on top. He leaned in and just breathed. Shaun. He smelled so good, so right. Zach gently kissed the crook of his neck.

“So beautiful,” Shaun murmured. He always said that. It still made Zach blush.

They kissed again, their lips clinging, making loud, smacking sounds. Zach’s hand traveled over the broad width of Shaun’s shoulders. He let his tongue outline Shaun’s lower lip teasingly, before he thrust it inside of Shaun’s mouth. He could go on kissing Shaun forever. Zach nuzzled him, enjoying the scratchy feeling of Shaun’s stubble on his own smooth cheek. Shaun reached for the lube, and coated his fingers. Still kissing, Zach felt one finger slide into him. It made Zach moan. His cock ached. He rubbed it at Shaun’s stomach. Shaun smiled and grabbed Zach’s cock with one hand, and continued to finger fuck him with the other. Two fingers squirmed in Zach’s hole, pushing in and out.

“You’re so tight,” Shaun groaned. “I want you so much.” Shaun thrust in a third finger, opening Zach more.

He played with Zach’s arousal, taking it in his whole hand. Zach panted in answer, rutting his cock at Shaun’s palm, groaning as Shaun squeezed.

“Oh God, Shaun, “ Zach gasped, “ I can’t take it.”

“You’ll take it,” Shaun demanded, and squeezed again.

Finally, when Zach was nearly screaming for release, swearing oaths to God one minute and cursing Shaun to take him the next, Shaun rolled on the condom. Zach lowered himself down, inch by inch. When Shaun was completely inside, Zach moaned and buried his head down to Shaun’s chest. He quivered.

Shaun caressed him up and down his spine, allowing Zach to adjust to his large size. Slowly, Zach started to ride him. He moved his hips back and forth. Then Zach found his rhythm. Increasing his pace, he tightened his ass muscles and rode him harder. Shaun gasped and tilted his head back against the pillows. Zach slammed up and down on Shaun’s cock now, pushing them both to the edge.

Shaun held Zach by the hips and urged him on. He shouted his name over and over. Shaun kissed him fiercely, until Zach’s lips ached. Zach gripped his shoulders, his thumbs digging into his skin. Pressure coiled inside of his body, building and building, until Zach’s orgasm exploded, shooting out all over Shaun’s stomach. Shaun came too, deep inside of Zach.

Zach collapsed on him, resting on his chest. The air was sticky smelling. Sated, they kissed gently now. Zach played with Shaun’s chest hairs and trailed his fingers up and down his body lovingly.

Shaun lifted his hand in response, and wiped at Zach’s sweaty hair.

“Are you thirsty? Hungry?” Shaun asked softly.

Zach shook his head. He nestled his body into Shaun’s.

“Just stay with me like this,” Zach said. He didn’t need anything but Shaun.

Smiling, Shaun nodded. He held Zach tightly in his arms. When they woke up hours later, they were still curled together, their bodies tangled into one.

***

They walked hand in hand, their feet sinking into the cool sand, the ocean swells kicking up, making Zach itch to surf soon. Shaun looked too and nodded. They headed back to their boards. Shaun picked his up, and shielding his eyes, began to look out at the waves. Zach sat in the sand a moment, and grabbed some of their bottled water. He took a long drink. Shaun bent over to pick up a board and Zach nearly groaned at the sight of Shaun’s tight ass. He wondered if Shaun would mind skipping the surfing and just going back to screwing each other’s brains out. Zach grinned suddenly. He doubted Shaun would object.

“Shaun?” A man called, making his way up to them. “I don’t believe it! Is it you?”

Shaun looked startled. He dropped his hand from his eyes. Zach watched the guy approaching them. He looked about Shaun’s age. His face was amazing, a strong jaw, golden-brown eyes, and beautiful lips, and his skin was the color of caramel. His body moved with grace as he approached Shaun, but the guy clearly went to the gym a lot. He had strong muscled forearms, huge biceps, and a hard, ripped stomach. Zach folded his hands over his chest, feeling his skinny frame and his ribs through his wet suit.

The guy grabbed Shaun in a bear hug, his hands roaming over Shaun’s back. They broke apart, both smiling, staring at each other.

“Javier,” Shaun said and Zach flinched. Javier. All Shaun had ever told him about the guy he’d lived with before Zach was his name. Gabe had once mentioned that the breakup had been painful for Shaun. That was it, all Zach knew.

Zach stood up and noisily cleared his throat.

“Oh.” Shaun looked at him, a flush at his neck. “Javier, meet Zach.“
Zach noticed Shaun didn’t call him his boyfriend.

Javier nodded indifferently, his eyes still on Shaun’s face.

“I didn’t know you were back in town,” Shaun said.

“I just got back.” Javier looked Shaun up and down. “I’ve been meaning to call you. See how you are.”

“I’m good. “ Shaun turned to Zach. “Real good.”

“Right.” Javier glanced over at Zach.

“Nice to meet you,” Zach said, his eyes narrowed, jaw clenched. He wasn’t that gorgeous, Zach thought, now that he was closer to Javier, Zach could see that he had a jug ears and his nose was slightly crooked.

“Um, Zach and I were just about to hit the waves,“ Shaun said, looking between Zach and Javier suddenly, and scratching at his head.

“Maybe I’ll join you guys,” Javier said, a smile on his face. “I was always a better surfer than you.”

Shaun snorted at that, but then Shaun looked at Zach.

“Would you mind?” Shaun asked Zach. He touched Javier lightly on the arm.

Zach could feel his face turning to stone. A cool breeze whipped at Zach’s hair and sand stung his eyes and clung to his skin.

“I can’t let this guy remember himself as the better surfer,” Shaun added with a laugh.

“Whatever,” Zach feigned disinterest. “I gotta take a leak first.” He turned and headed for the restroom.

Inside the john, Zach wrung his hands together and attempted to take some deep breathes. Just cause Shaun wanted to surf with his ex, it didn’t mean anything. Zach looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He looked pissed. He tried to school his features into a mask of indifference. He could do this. Be friendly to the guy, ride with him, no big deal.

Why hadn’t Shaun ever told him about Javier ? How long had they lived together? Why had they ended it? And why did the bastard have to show up on Zach and Shaun’s special day together? Zach scowled, clenching his hands. He wasn’t surfing with this guy and neither was Shaun.

Zach stormed back outside, but when he reached their stuff, Javier was gone. Shaun stood there, holding his board.

“Where’s Javier?” Zach asked. He waited for Shaun to tell him that he’d told Javier to beat it, and that he’d wanted to surf with just Zach.

“He had an important phone call. He had to go.“ Shaun shrugged, offered him his board. “He’s a doctor.”

“Oh.” Zach took the board from Shaun and held it to his chest. A gorgeous fucking doctor.

“What’s wrong?” Shaun asked. He tried to circle his arms around Zach’s waist. “It’s not a big deal, Zach.”

Zach pulled away. “Let’s surf.”

“No, not like this.” Shaun tried to pull him back into his arms. Zach tolerated the embrace, standing stiffly.

“So how did you two leave it?”

“What?” Shaun said.

Zach rolled his eyes. “You and Javier. Did he just take off or-“

“Well,” Shaun looked at Zach steadily. “He asked for my cell, wants to meet up .
He said he wanted to talk to me about something. But I don’t have to do that,
Zach –“

“No,” Zach huffed, “Go ahead. Meet him.“ Zach attempted to smile at Shaun. “It’s cool.”

“Really?” Shaun said.

Zach smiled wider, “Sure. I see Tori all the time. Fair is fair.”

Zach took his board and headed for the sea. He needed to surf, feel the water, calm down. Tori wasn’t like Javier. She wasn’t a guy, she didn’t have a fat, curved cock that Zach might want to suck. Shaun knew all about Tori and how Zach never really enjoyed sex with her.

What had sex been like for Shaun with Javier? Did he deep throat? Did he let Shaun fist him? Did Shaun like fucking Javier the best? Zach swallowed hard and paddled out farther and farther. He would have sworn that Javier wasn’t Shaun’s type. He was too muscular, too smarmy, too- not Zach.

Zach stood up and caught a big wave, only to have it knock him down, and he tumbled under the water, tasting the salt in his mouth, and feeling it sting his eyes. Cursing, he looked out for Shaun. He was riding a big swell. Shaun was surfing just fine, gliding beautifully on top of a wave. Zach’s jaw set. He looked away.

***

On the drive home, they were both silent. Shaun turned on the radio and Zach turned and gazed out the window. He could feel Shaun sneaking glances at him, but he refused to look his way.

“Zach,” Shaun’s said. “Can we please talk?”

Chewing his lips, Zach nodded.

“Good. “ Shaun took a breath, “First of all –“

His phone buzzed and Shaun swore. Zach wondered if it was Javier, already done with his medical emergency, wanting to meet up. His face darkened as he watched Shaun answer.

“It’s Gabe.”

Zach quickly forgot Javier and looked over at Shaun. Gabe wouldn’t call unless it were important. “Cody?” He asked, his stomach flipping over. Being in charge of Cody gave Zach great joy, but it also gave him great anxiety. He worried all the time. Was he doing a good enough job? Was Cody happy? Well-adjusted? Shaun was constantly reassuring him that Cody was fine; Cody was loved.

Shaun held up a finger and listened to Gabe on the phone.

“Okay, I’ll get him. No worries.” Shaun sighed as he hung up. “Cody’s fine,” he told Zach and relief flooded through Zach’s body. “But Gabe has a flood at his place, the dumb a-hole forgot to shut off the water after Cody’s bath. I need to pick Cody up.”

Zach nodded.

“Want to come or-“

“I’ll go home.”

Shaun sighed again. He drummed his fingers on the wheel.

They didn’t speak.

***
After Shaun left to pick up Cody from his brother, Zach set up his paints outside. Their fight made him feel sick. He didn’t know what to do. Zach paced back and forth a moment in the apartment, and then he went outside to their balcony. They had a nice view of the water from there, but seeing it didn’t calm him down today. Zach walked over to his easel. He liked to paint outside. He hadn’t planned to paint at all today. He was supposed to be making love with Shaun right now. Zach thought about how rarely he had a chance for a whole 24 hours with just Shaun. Usually, their life was hectic. Zach had school most mornings and then work, and Shaun wrote for hours at a time. They had to balance that with taking care of Cody too, but somehow it was all working out. Or at least, Zach had assumed it was working. He grabbed his paints and squeezed out some red and orange onto his palette.

As he painted, Zach thought about how he could never have done it all without Shaun, his life would have fallen apart. He would never have gone to art school; he wouldn’t have the balls to even try it. Zach swallowed hard. He wasn’t too verbal with Shaun about all his feelings. Shaun was the one good with words. He really needed to be better at verbalizing to Shaun just how much he’d made all Zach’s dreams come true. Dreams that Zach had never even admitted out loud, before Shaun had re-entered his life.

But what if Shaun was tired of giving so much to him? Their life together was messy and crazy most of the time. What if his days with hot Javier were suddenly looking good? Zach pictured Javier’s leer, his muscled arms, his brown eyes locked on Shaun’s, and Zach’s stomach twisted. He began to paint furiously, trying to lose himself in his art. He didn’t use the brand new brushes, he couldn’t. Instead, Zach picked up an old one, and stabbed it angrily at the canvas. What if Shaun had changed his mind and was calling Javier right now? Zach painted some more, splattering his shirt. He was just opening up some blue paint, when the doorbell rang.

Annoyed, Zach almost didn’t answer it. First his and Shaun’s magical day ended with a fight, and Shaun’s ex was out there planning to call him, and now he can’t even paint.

“Fuck,” Zach muttered, throwing down his brushes. He wiped his hands on a rag. Could this day get any worse? Still muttering to himself, Zach opened the door.

“Is Shaun around?” Javier smiled at him, flashing his perfect teeth. He was dressed in a formal shirt and tie and was wearing a white doctor’s coat. Zach stood at the door, trying not to glance down at his paint-splattered clothes.

“He’s out.”

“Oh. Can I come in and leave him a note? “ Javier asked. He pushed back Zach without waiting for an answer. Javier looked at the living room. There was a pile of Cody’s laundry folded neatly, but still sitting on the couch, and a bunch of his toys scattered around.

“I guess Shaun’s taste has changed,” Javier commented. He gave Zach an appraising look that made Zach flush. “Are you staying with him here?”

“Yeah.” Zach folded his arms at his chest, not saying anything else. He looked at Javier, not blinking. Javier looked back. It was liked some strange staring contest that Zach did not want to lose.

“Oh wait a minute,” Javier said, snapping his fingers. “You’re the Zach Shaun mentioned was his little brother’s friend, right? Well, Shaun always did like to have his fun.“ Javier shrugged, as if Zach was just one of many “fun” things Shaun kept around.

Javier’s eyes swept over Zach’s clothes. “Are you a painter?”

“Art student.” Zach had a trace of pride in his voice. He still couldn’t believe he was really in art school and not still just spray painting on some wall.

“Is that why Shaun lets you stay here? So you can be close to school? He was always generous.“ Javier’s mouth curved slightly. “And I’m sure you show him you’re gratitude.”

Zach’s face felt hot and throbbing. He didn’t give a shit about Javier, but his words hit a nerve. Zach was always worried that maybe Shaun thought he was just using him for a place to stay or for financial help. Things between them were hardly equal and that always bothered Zach.

Zach ran his tongue along his teeth, tempted to just throw Javier out. “Would you like a drink?’ He asked instead. He wasn’t going to give Javier the
satisfaction.

“No. Just a pen and some paper.“

“Shaun has a notepad in our bedroom,“ Zach said, “I’ll go get it from our room.” He couldn’t help the emphasis on the our for Javier’s benefit. Javier merely raised his eyebrows and looked amused.

“Does Shaun still have that brass bedframe that I picked out for us?” he said.

Turning away, a sick feeling in his stomach, Zach went to grab a pen and paper. Just the thought of Shaun and Javier in their bed, or that their bed was Javier’s bed first, made Zach nauseous. He braced a hand against his bedroom wall, fighting back the urge to vomit. Zach looked at his face in the bedroom mirror. He looked like some scared, dumb kid. No wonder Javier was all ease and charm with him. Zach already looked defeated. Grimacing, Zach stalked back into the living room and gave him the notepad.

“What are you asking Shaun?” Zach demanded, done with fake pleasantry.

“My oncology department needs a few PR articles,“ Javier said. “I’m hoping Shaun will do some freelance work. Help me and the cancer patients.”

Zach shut his eyes. Great. How could he ask Shaun to turn that down? Shaun was such a good guy with a big heart. He would do it in a minute.

Javier gave him a wolfish smile. “And there is another reason for my visit. “

“What’s that?” Zach asked.

Javier paused. He didn’t answer until he had written his note and thrown it down on the coffee table. Then he straightened and his eyes locked on Zach’s.
“I came back for Shaun, of course.“ He didn’t wait for Zach to respond. “I’ll see myself out,” Javier said. He walked to the front door like he had all the time in the world, like he hadn’t just ripped out Zach’s heart.

***

It was a nightmare.

Shaun had agreed to the PR campaign and was working constantly with Javier. Zach’s guts clenched at every phone call, every meeting. But he couldn’t tell Shaun what Javier said, or the motivations he’d accused Zach of having. Zach was paralyzed with fear that Shaun might think, deep down, that Zach was exchanging sex for room and board. Or, even if he didn’t, what if Shaun regretted breaking up with Javier.

So Zach kept it all inside. Whenever Shaun questioned him about what was wrong, Zach insisted it was “nothing.” Maybe if they didn’t talk, the whole thing would go away? At night, Zach couldn’t sleep, twisting and turning with a weight of anxiety on his chest. He stared up into the darkness, a sadness building in him, until he felt like he was drowning in it. He no longer wanted to sleep, to dream, because his dreams were like vultures, waiting to feed off of his fears. He didn’t know what to do, so he did nothing. The nights stretched on into a week.

When he’d moved in with Shaun, they hadn’t really worked out things like rent or money or chores, Shaun had just smiled warmly at him and said “Let’s do it.” Zach had fallen eagerly into his new life. Now he realized that he and Shaun had made no promises, no formal commitment, nothing to keep them on a clear path. He’d arranged his life like a child, based in blind faith in the man he’d fallen in love with. Zach chewed his lips in the dark, the nightmares beating inside of him, calling him on all his worries. Shaun would grow tired of him or of Cody. Shaun would fall back under Javier’s obvious charms.

Javier called Shaun daily. They met all the time, and Shaun got home later and later. Whenever they were home together, Zach busied himself with Cody, or he told Shaun he needed to work on a school project – anything at all to keep from having to talk.

Late at night, Zach feigned sleep and turned his back on Shaun. Zach knew he was blowing it big time. He knew Shaun was frustrated with him. But for Zach, it was like how his mother had never wanted to watch the news, telling him, “Why should I? We already know it will all be bad.” Zach hoped that if he could avoid talking, then maybe he could also avoid the very real possibility that Shaun regretted being with him.

The nightmares continued. Zach didn’t even try and sleep. He wandered into the living room, curled up on the couch, and watched the late, late shows with weary eyes.

Every time Shaun tried to corner Zach, dread filled Zach’s chest and his lungs constricted, and Zach just couldn’t speak. He couldn’t talk to Shaun, the one person who’d always supported him and understood him. The one person Zach had let himself completely trust. He had never known how much he needed that, and now he was beyond terrified to lose it – to lose Shaun. And yet he couldn’t stop himself from turning away.

“Zach,” Shaun came up behind him, right after Cody left for school, “talk to me.” Shaun wrapped his arms at Zach’s waist and pressed his face into Zach’s neck.

Zach stepped out of his embrace, and the silence between them crackled with tension. Shaun’s face hardened with anger and hurt.

“Fine,” he said. Shaun jammed his hands in his pockets. “ I thought when you told me you changed and we began our life together, that meant you grew up. “ He stared at Zach coldly. “I guess you’re still being a fucking coward.” Shaun waited a moment for Zach to challenge him. Then he groaned, looking conflicted. “Zach-“

“Don’t you have to go to work?” Zach said.

“Yeah,” Shaun replied slowly. “I do. I have to go to work and then meet Javier.”

Zach flinched, knowing Shaun was deliberately throwing out his ex-boyfriend’s name. He turned away and started doing the breakfast dishes, pretending it didn’t bother him.

No, Zach couldn’t speak to Shaun about it, not yet, not when he felt so raw inside. He knew he was making things between them worse. He was such an idiot sometimes. But the words just stayed buried, choked down inside of him, and he let Shaun go away angry.

***

Needing to escape, he headed for the beach to surf. Zach rode out alone. The first wave hit him like a quick slap. It almost knocked him off his board. The water felt cold, numbing his skin, despite his wet suit. Zach scanned the ocean, looking out to where it met the sky. He drifted a moment on his surfboard, his hands trailing in the foam. The next wave came to him and Zach went with it, letting it lift him up, and slam him down. Zach got a face full of hard sand. His body shaking, he threw his board down and curled up into a ball, drawing his knees into his chest. Only then, with nobody to see, did Zach cry.

Time stopped. Zach thought back on the first time he came to Shaun and kissed him. He thought back on waking up with Shaun too, and looking into his eyes, both of them just staying in the bed and gazing at each other. Zach inhaled sharply. That day had been better than any dream. It had been real and true and he wanted it again. Zach wiped his eyes and let himself become lost in the memories.
Eventually, Zach realized he had been sitting for a long while. The waves lapped at the shore with the growing high tide, and the sunlight felt hot on his face. Zach looked out at the white caps, the water he loved, and felt empty. He wanted Shaun.

Fuck this.

Zach stood up, brushing some sand away. He would find Shaun, tell him how he felt, face him.

As Zach started to walk past the dunes, carrying his board, ready to get it over with, he saw a guy walking toward the beach, a long board in his arm, Shaun’s board.

Shaun stopped, seeing Zach at the exact same moment, and they walked slowly over to each other.

Zach felt like the sand was cement. He looked at Shaun in his wet suit, his muscles outlined, and Zach swallowed hard. Shaun was so sexy. He was pissed. Zach could see that too. It only made Zach’s pulse jolt with more longing.

“I’m not chasing you down,” Shaun said. “Don’t worry. I’ve given up on talking.”

Zach felt a burst of shame. He bowed his head and mumbled. “The waves are solid today. You should have a good ride.” Zach forced his head up to look at Shaun. Their gazes clashed.

“Just say it?” Shaun said. “Just stop hiding. Be a fucking man and say it. You think I’m screwing around with Javier, right?”

“Are you?” Zach said. He felt a burning terror deep in his body, rising up in him, unable to be extinguished any longer. “Are you? Cause he wants you. He told me that. He wants you back!”

“What about you?” Shaun taunted. “Do you still want me? You sure act like you don’t.”

A rough noise escaped Zach’s lips. He tossed down his board and came at Shaun. “I want you,“ Zach said, sounding like he was in pain. “I want you.“ Swearing, Zach reached Shaun and pulled him into a frantic kiss.

He kissed Shaun with all his pent-up frustration and fear, and he kissed him with the hope, the joy that things between them might still be possible. Zach kissed him hungrily, with the urgency of somebody whose faith had been nearly destroyed and then renewed again, and he kissed Shaun passionately with all his love that refused to be destroyed and now was burning hotly for Shaun’s body, for his touch.

They fell together onto the sand, groping and touching. Shaun’s hands kneaded Zach’s ass roughly. He kissed Zach back, and Zach whimpered as their tongues met again. Shaun’s grip would leave bruises on his skin, but Zach didn’t care. He rolled on top of Shaun, grinding their cocks together through their wet suits, Zach’s dick filling, throbbing painfully with a rush of blood.

“Tell me Zach,” Shaun hissed. “Tell me what you’re feeling.”

Zach growled in answer and ran his hands up and down Shaun’s chest. “You’re mine,” he shouted out, finally releasing the words. “You’re mine, not his! And I want you. I want you always.”

“I want you too, you idiot. Just you.“

Zach trembled at Shaun’s words, he drew back and touched Shaun’s shoulders, and he whispered, “Sorry,” against Shaun’s lips. They kissed again, softer now, and Zach felt his entire body shaking with emotion.

“Me too.“ Shaun gentled his hands. “I should have told you the whole story with Javier a long time ago.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Zach said. “You were right. I acted like a baby about it.“ He searched Shaun’s eyes, and held his hand to Shaun’s face. “I was just so scared. I didn’t want to lose you. Javier made it sound like I was just, I don’t know, a temporary thing. Or that I was using you for your place or for your money.” Zach’s eyes connected with Shaun’s. “But it’s not true. “ Zach gulped hard, his fingers caressed Shaun’s strong jaw. “I love you, Shaun.”

“And I love you too. I never , not for one second, had any doubts that you’re with me ‘cause you love me. I know that. Javier, he uses people. That’s what he does and how he thinks. “ Shaun brushed his mouth against Zach’s. “You’re the exact opposite. You give to everybody, Zach. You sacrifice for those you love and you are always so hard on yourself. “ Shaun exhaled deeply. “I’m not perfect and no relationship is perfect."

Zach nodded his head in agreement. He smiled, a big, wide, happy smile. A lightness filled Zach where his anxiety had been. He stared down at Shaun, pressing their bodies close, kissing Shaun slowly, their mouths merging. He tasted Shaun, offering his own lips in a promise.

"Are we good?" Zach whispered.

"We're good," Shaun replied. "But we're not done." He gave Zach a firm look. "We are going home to talk. Just talk. For hours."

Zach groaned at that, but he stood up and grabbed Shaun's hand.

With Shaun by his side, they could work it out and be together through anything. Zach was no longer afraid. It may not be a dream life, as Shaun said, nothing was perfect. But they belonged to each other. It was real and that was all Zach needed to believe.

Date: 2011-08-31 01:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_alicesprings/
I really enjoyed this! Good stuff!

Date: 2011-08-31 06:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marsabi.livejournal.com
Yay! I'm so glad that you liked it!

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December 2011

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